come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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