oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
