I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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