her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
