i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
