i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
