At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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