paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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