she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
