Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
