OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
