One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
