True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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