I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
