Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
