If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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