Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
