..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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