party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
