My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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