It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
