I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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