I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
