captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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