if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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