I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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