i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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