we have officially lost it.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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