i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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