i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
