you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
