I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
