He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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