roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
