when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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