i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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