after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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