Please, let me fuck your mom
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
