Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Randomize
