Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
