wakey wakey hands off snakey
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you traded sex for a burrito?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
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your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
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You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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