I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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