i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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