I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
