i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
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Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
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I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart