Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize