if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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