If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
