Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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