Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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