hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
