just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
did i walk over a car last night?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
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We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
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Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often