i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
