i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
