what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
