Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
