How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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