Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Randomize
